Mom, author, nurse, teacher . . . reading the world around me

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The Litmus Test

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I think anyone who has a disabled sibling understands the concept of the litmus test. It generally begins in elementary school when our classmates discover that our sibling is “different” than most kids. Which classmates pass the litmus test and become friends that we are willing to risk inviting over? The ones who don’t make fun of our sibling. We instinctively select friends who show acceptance to our sibling.

This continues well into adolescence when we are teenagers and enter the dating scene. We see someone we think is cute, everything seems to be going along great, and then BOOM…it happens. He or she makes a joke or a rude comment about our sibling, or even someone with similar issues. All the wind instantly leaves our sails as we realize that we can never bring this person around our family. Honestly, we are better off without them, but sometimes it is hard to realize that as a hormone riddled teen with a crush.

When it is time to pick a spouse, it becomes even more tricky. Not only does that potential life partner have to be kind to our sibling, he/she must be willing to buy into the fact that one day there will be some additional responsibilities placed upon us as a couple to care for this sibling once our parents are no longer able to do it. This takes a special kind of person. Someone who loves us enough to sincerely understand the concept of “for better or for worse” and really means it.

I recently thought about couples that I’ve known over the years where one of the pair has a disabled sibling. The siblings have conditions ranging from Down Syndrome, Autism, severe cerebral palsy, and other developmental and/or physical delays. Each of these people have married truly loving and supportive spouses that have the patience and kindness to support them in the difficult road that often has to be followed. We come with a good deal of emotional baggage when we’ve been raised in a home where our sibling’s needs often took precedence over our own.

I’m grateful to have found my husband who passed the litmus test with flying colors and continues to do so every day. Thankfully there are people out there who do. But for those of us who’ve grown up with a special needs sibling, we’ve unfortunately seen plenty of people through the years who fail the litmus test miserably.

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Photo by Contributed Photo /Times Free Press

Pre-K Fun

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For those readers who do not know, I am a registered nurse as well as a certified k-12 educator. My current job is attending school with my patient who requires nursing care during the school day. I arrive at his house about 15-20 minutes before the bus picks us up for school in the mornings. I stay with him during the day, and the ride the bus home with him in the afternoon. However I want his day to be as normal as possible, so instead of hovering over him, I also participate in the classroom activities.

Since the teacher and para-professional in the room have plenty of other duties, I use the nap time and sometimes center time to get creative. I’ve missed making bulletin boards and doors from my days of teaching elementary school so this is a win-win for both myself and the teachers. The latest effort was a joint one between myself and the para to create a “Pete the Cat” bulletin board to showcase the shoes collected in support of the “Walk for a Cure” to raise money for Type One Diabetes research.

I can’t wait until we can do something new with the door for Christmas!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Note: I’ve updated some new pics throughout the year. I can’t believe the school year ends in two weeks!

Update (as of December 2016) I still attend school three days a week with my same wonderful little guy. He’s now in Kindergarten, but I wanted to take a chance to update this school year’s fun creations.

November Writing Madness!

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It’s entirely possible that I have bitten off more than I can chew this November, but I’m going to give it my best effort! As many people familiar with the writing world know, November is the time that many writers attempt to create a 50K word novel during the 30 days of the month. I’m attempting to write my first novel for Middle Grade readers during the next 30 days. In addition, I have decided to participate in the Picture Book version of National November Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) as well.

As a former elementary school teacher, I have wanted to write children’s books for a very long time. So, wish me luck! 🙂 In the next 30 days I will be working on a new novel, coming up with 30 ideas for picture books, promoting my newly released novel Go Forward with Courage, and working 3 days a week outside the home. Whew! Should be fun!

What it Means to be a Nurse

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I’ve stayed pretty quiet this week about the controversy swirling around remarks made on the ABC program, “The View” regarding nurses. But it did make me think–reflect back over the 25 years that I’ve been a registered nurse, and what moments stand out in my mind. I thought I would share one of those moments here.

I vividly remember a night in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit when my three-year old patient lost his ferocious battle with a very aggressive cancer. I remember how small his tiny body looked in the bed, and I asked his mother if she would like to hold him in the chair. She shook her head and asked me if she could climb into the bed with him and just hold him like she had done when he was scared. “But this time,” she said in a trembling voice, “it’s me that is scared.”

I pulled the sliding glass door closed as I left her alone with her precious little boy, and made a valiant effort to keep my composure as I finished charting all of the minutia of details regarding the “code” that had preceded his death–the frantic failed effort to save him. When I heard my patient’s mother climb out of the bed, I reentered the room to begin the process of readying his tiny little body for transport down to the hospital morgue. Standing on the opposite side of the bed, his mother asked, “What happens now?”

I described to her as gently as possible, the post-mortem routine that we followed–beginning with bathing him. “I’d like to help you bathe him if I can,” his mother replied stoically. “If this is going to be his last bath, I’d like to help give it.” So, we stood together silently washing his bruised little body. I was able to fight back my own tears until I heard the quiet voice from across the bed ask, “What am I going to do when I get back to the house and his things are everywhere? The first thing I will see when I pull into the driveway is his swings-set.”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly as the dam holding back my tears was breached. I felt as if I were failing her. She needed me to be strong, and there I was crying silently as I worked through the blur of tears. “I’m sorry,” I told her.

She shook her head vehemently, her own tears flowing then. “Please don’t ever apologize for caring about him. I’m grateful…so grateful that he was surrounded by nurses who cared about us at the end.”

When I got to my car in the parking deck the next morning, I sat and cried for at least twenty minutes before I felt like I should attempt the drive home. To my own family. I didn’t want to bring my sadness home with me, and have my own toddler pick up on it. The preceding twelve hours had been a roller coaster of highs and lows, of hope and heartache, of adrenaline and then pure fatigue–both physically and emotionally. I wish I could tell you that this was the only shift this demanding. But in truth, being a nurse means that you put yourself out there 100% for your patients and their families every shift. Often times, you are the person that takes the brunt of everyone’s frustration and even if you act like it rolls off of your back, it doesn’t. It hurts. But you keep going.

Most people have no idea what it takes to be a nurse. The programs are selective, the course work is difficult, and the challenges of the job itself can be unbelievably taxing. But ultimately, people chose to be nurses because they want a profession that makes a difference in people’s lives. It isn’t high paying, glamorous, or envied by others–but it is what we are called to do, and most of us wouldn’t want to do anything else.

Not Funny at the Time! :)

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Retrospectively Funny.”

So, I decided to try a writing prompt just for fun. Today’s prompt was to describe something that wasn’t funny at the time, but now looking back on it, you can see the humor. Am I the only one who feels like this could be half my life?? This prompt hardly narrows down things to write about for me. 🙂 But, I picked one event that occurred during my pregnancy with my second child. Here goes…

I worked as a Pediatric ICU nurse at Egleston Children’s Hospital in Atlanta. Every year, the hospital had an evening for employees at the Atlanta zoo after normal hours. So had this happened on a regular trip to the zoo, it wouldn’t have been quite as embarrassing, but of course it happened when the zoo playground was full of my coworkers. My daughter was three and she wanted to play on the large wooden ‘ark’ on the playground and scurried to the very top. My husband and I were sitting on a bench adjacent to the structure visiting with some people from the hospital when we heard screaming.

At least twenty kids came running out of the ark, some of them holding their arms over their heads. We heard one kid shout, “Somebody peed!! And it’s coming down!” Looking up at the top of the ark, we see our daughter standing by the wheel with that “oopsie” look on her little cherubic face. I gestured to my enormous pregnant belly and asked my husband to retrieve our daughter from the top level, as she was just frozen in place. He asked for a bag to put over his head, but when I had none to offer, he gamely brought our little one down for a change of clothes. Needless to say, it wasn’t funny at the time!

The zoo is completely different these days, and I don’t think the old ark structure still even stands in the children’s play area. But somewhere in the world, there are young men and women who may remember an evening 19 years ago when the pee came down from the top of the ark, forcing them to scurry to safety!

Why Friendships Make Great Novel Fodder

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I love to read books about friendships–great ones that endure over decades, terrible ones that need to be severed, confused ones which might actually lead to something more, or “we started out as enemies, but now are best friends” ones. It really doesn’t matter what kind of friendship is the main focus of the book–if a friendship is the focus of a well-written story, I will probably be hooked. I think the reason many of us enjoy reading books about friends is that friendship is such a shared human experience that crosses all boundaries. Friendship is universal. We either cherish our friendships or lament the lack of friendships we have. And over the course of a lifetime we might feel both ways.

I’ve just written my first YA novel, and it was the first book I’ve written in which I heavily focused on the protagonist’s friendships. I’ve had a ball writing this book, and it has started me thinking about how much I have always enjoyed reading stories about the bonds of friendship. I thought I’d list my top five favorites, just to stir up some conversation. What are your favorites?

1) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.Don’t get me wrong, every book in the series has amazing dialogue and interaction between the three main characters. But in this first book, Harry has never had a real friend and the discovery of all of the wonders of friendship unfolds before our eyes in this book. Through the series, the friendships are tested but in the end remains my all time favorite book about a group of friends.

2) The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.As one of the larger girls in my circle of friends growing up, I loved this concept of one pair of jeans that fit all of the girls, even though they were clearly not all the same size and shape. I’ll admit, that is what made me read the book in the first place. But I loved reading about the coming of age experiences of each of the girls while she was in possession of the traveling pants. It’s a book that has stayed with me for a long time.

3) The Bridge to Terabithia. I’m not a huge fan of books with sad endings in general, but I loved the friendship that evolved in this story. I had some male friends growing up, and I think that friendships between boys and girls during this age are always interesting reads.There is always that potential for the friendship to blossom into something more, and wondering if it will is half the fun.

4) A Tale of Two Cities. I will be the first to admit, I didn’t like most of the books that I had to read for school. But this one was a huge exception. I was still in middle school, and missed some of the more subtle elements of the plot but the sacrifice made by one man to ensure the happiness of another (with the woman he loved no less!) was impossible to miss.

5) To Kill a Mockingbird. Don’t get me wrong, my favorite part of this book is the relationship between Atticus and his kids. But I also love the friendship with the quirky kid who visits in the summer and the friendship (of sorts) that develops between the kids and Boo.

I’d be really interested to hear which books top your list!

photo credit: http://wallpapers111.com/friendship-images/

The Value of Collaboration in any Job

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Writing books is not the first career that I’ve had in my life. My original career was nursing. When I was in my undergraduate program at The Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston, I doubt that I would have made it to graduation without my classmates. We studied together, practiced on each other (some of those moments are still cringe-worthy!) and provided the much needed moral support and humor to accomplish our goals. In short, we collaborated with each other to the benefit of every single student in my graduating class. I doubt that any of us were aware that we were engaged in the process of “collaboration”, but rather we did what came naturally to us as friends and classmates.

When I entered the profession as a new graduate in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I was exposed to some great examples of collaboration. Unfortunately there were also the “sharks” out there who had no interest in helping others succeed. Now, you would think that nurses would be a nurturing group to work with, but unfortunately there is sometimes a tendency among seasoned veteran nurses to “eat their young”. I have not worked in a hospital setting now for years so I truly hope that it is better now, but in the 1990’s it could often be a cruel world for a young idealistic nurse. The bottom line regarding collaboration in a health care setting is that not only does the healthcare team benefit from it, so does the patient. Nurse managers and hospital administrators should make it a priority to foster this atmosphere in all units.

Fast forward to my “second career” as a teacher. I completed a Masters Degree in Elementary Education and taught school for five years. During those years I was fortunate enough to have some amazing people to work with and share in collaboration daily. But even in a school setting there will be those teachers who want to keep to themselves and “work alone”. To me, if something works well with my class I want to shout it from the rooftops and share with everyone. Just as in the hospital setting, when teachers collaborate with each other it benefits the students which in turn benefits the entire community. I never did understand the teachers who had no interest in collaborating, but they were truly a detriment to the school.

My new career as an author is completely uncharted territory for me! It has been exciting and rewarding, but at the same time absolutely terrifying! There is so much to learn, especially as an Indie author in the huge world of publishing. It has come flooding back to me in this venture exactly how valuable collaboration can be. There is one particular Facebook group Clean Indie Reads that has the  most supportive authors I’ve found. Any member can post a question about any aspect of writing, publishing, or marketing and receive numerous helpful responses. Members of the group are generous with their time and are willing to share what has worked (or totally flopped!) for them in an effort to assist new authors achieve their own success. In an ideal world everyone would be collaborative with colleagues, and workplaces (physical or virtual) would be veritable Petri dishes of creativity.

As an author I have discovered that even readers can be collaborators in the process of creating the best story possible. Each new set of eyes on my books offers a new perspective on the story that I might not have previously recognized while writing. Reviewers that post their opinions on my novels are essentially collaborating with me in my quest to write books that connect with people. As long as reviews are constructive, they don’t need to be positive in nature.

So whatever job you find yourself doing right now, there is certainly an opportunity out there to collaborate with the people around you. Maybe you can be the person who starts a new trend at your job to inspire, support, encourage and assist each other in becoming the best team in the business! Please go for it!

photo credit: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/files/2013/05/stop.jpg

A Tale of Two Boys: How to Foster Kindness in Kids

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Nothing makes a mom more aware of the kindness, or lack of kindness, shown by children than having a special needs child. During a sermon on Sunday, our pastor spoke of “hashtags” or labels as being things others have applied to us in our past. These could be things like #ugly, #stupid, #lazy, etc. What kind of people apply these hashtags to others? And how much power do we give them in our own lives? How can we encourage our own children to be supportive of others and use language such as #friend, #kindness, #encouragement?

I started thinking about my son who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 4. He is now 18, so we have seen many examples of both good hashtags that have helped to motivate him, but unfortunately negative ones that he has carried around with him like a big battered suitcase. This labeling, both good and bad has come from other children, adults such as teachers and pastors, neighbors and even family members. But what struck me while listening to the sermon on Sunday was this: Why do some kids seek out opportunities to give a kid who feels awkward and out of place a boost up and others feel the need to give the kid a swift kick?

It isn’t just taking your child to church or enrolling them in Boy Scouts that is going to make the difference. How do I know this? Because I have experienced it first hand. The two boys I will mention in the blog were both raised in Christian homes, were active in church, and involved in Scouting. They both came from middle to upper middle class families with educated parents. The parents of each boy were active in their communities and seemed to have positive, loving relationships with other family members. But that is where the similarity stops.

Boy #1 was there for my son at a critical point in his life. We had just moved the family to Germany and my son didn’t know anyone there. Boy #1 made a special point to introduce him to his friends, show him around the school, invite him to Scouts and enthusiastically greeted him at the first meeting. Through the kindness of this boy, my son felt welcomed and affirmed. He made friends and adjusted to the new school better than we had dared to dream. The boy continued to be a close friend, always including him in parties and outings until the family moved away.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years later. My son was just starting middle school (ugh!) and we had just moved back to the small town in Georgia that we had lived pre-Germany. Boy #2 seemed at first like a great prospect to help ease the transition here. But rather than show kindness and compassion, he fluctuated between indifference and discouragement. If my son wanted to try out for a school team, Boy #2 had to point out that he didn’t stand a chance at making it. If my son made a statement at a scout meeting, Boy #2 felt the need to put him down for it. The arrogant way in which he disregarded my son was almost more cruel than if he’d called him names.

This young man had an opportunity placed in front of him to make a true difference in the life of another human being, but instead chose to be a detriment to my son’s attempts to make friends and fit in. What, if anything could his parents have done to encourage him to treat my son with kindness and apply a hastag like #Youcandoit!? With all of the blessings Boy #2 had in his life and the talent and popularity he possessed already, why did he feel the need to apply #loser, #friendless, and #notworthmytime?

I think as parents we need to enter into discussions with our kids about kindness. Yes, we need to model it in our own interactions with people but we cannot assume that our children will just absorb that by osmosis. When we visit our child’s classroom we can spot the awkward kid who needs friends from a mile away. Ask your child about him or her and if they ever play with them at recess or sit with them at lunch. Make a point yourself of interacting with that child when you are there. As a former teacher, it is amazing how much it matters when a child has a visitor take an interest in him.

Describe ways that your child could be a friend and what a difference that could make in the life of that person. Some of these kids can be hard to love and act in ways that don’t suggest they want friends. If you observe these behaviors, you as the adult can help your child understand the reasons that could be causing them.

Every single day I crave more kindness in the world. It just seems to be in short supply these days. Let’s help our kids learn kindness at an early age. They will be the better for it in the long run if they can live in a more positive world. Boy #1 is still someone that I cherish. He is now a student at Virginia Tech and I will never forget the positive contribution he made to my son by being his friend and giving him a place in the social strata of school life.

If you have suggestions that have helped your children demonstrate kindness to others, I would love to hear from you.

 

 

The Art of Reflection

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Reflection is an art that I wish I had learned in childhood. When you take time to reflect over a situation and think of ways that you handled it well or ways that you could have responded better, it is empowering. Instead of feeling as if “things just happened to you”, it makes you cognizant of how important your own choices are in the outcome of any given situation. So much “victim mentality” that tends to creep into the human psyche could be eliminated if we practiced reflection.

I had never thought consciously about reflection until I was in my Masters program in Education. For each lesson that we taught we had to submit a brief paper reflecting on what went well and what could have gone better. It forced me to be aware of what actions on my part had generated excitement in the students and encouraged learning to take place. And also what caused the students to be bored, restless or unable to meet the goals of the lesson. I took this with me into the classroom and found it to be very useful!

I don’t think the world at large encourages us to reflect on the events of our lives. When I taught school, I had something in my behavior management arsenal called a “think sheet”. Students were asked to complete the sheet and bring it back to me the next day with a parent signature. The sheet asked questions like, “What class rule did I break?” and “What could I have done differently to have avoided getting into trouble?”. Some of the kids really thought about it and were able to identify better choices that could have been made. Hopefully it helped them to avoid repeating the same mistakes later. But I had some parents who would insist that their child was the victim in a situation rather than a participant. We have to do better as a society of helping our kids learn to own their bad choices and accept the consequences of them. Even as adults, we could improve our outlook on life if we accepted more responsibility for the situations we find ourselves in.

I try to incorporate the reflective practice into my writing as well as my life in general. When I revise each chapter, I think about how it could be more descriptive or more vital to the plot. There are always ways to improve, and I am constantly striving to find those ways as I write. As a pediatric nurse there are times when I have to take the brunt of a parent’s frustration with the continual struggles of raising a child with chronic medical problems. Reflecting back on encounters that didn’t go well helps me to be more sensitive to their needs and also more proactive so that I can avoid such issues in the future.

What ways do you incorporate the art of reflection into your career or family relationships? I’d love to hear from you.

photo credit:http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tso_Kiagar_Lake_Ladakh.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Tso_Kiagar_Lake_Ladakh.jpg

The Heart of a Healer: Perfectly Captured in Print (Finally!)

I originally posted this 3 years ago. I decided to share it again since I’ve read the 8 books of the Outlander series, and have almost finished watching all 3 seasons of the Starz series. Most of all, I’m sharing because I’m thrilled to be going to hear Diana Gabaldon speak at The Savannah Book Festival this week. Let me know what you think about Claire’s character, or how your own profession is portrayed in books and film.

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I remember years ago my husband and I were watching a movie in which Val Kilmer portrayed a Civil Engineer. As a CE himself, my husband couldn’t believe there was actually a movie that was showing the realities of the job. I completely understood the feeling! I have yearned for years to see a nurse portrayed in a way that I could really admire. There are plenty of books, movies and TV shows that glamorize doctors. But nurses are generally less than desirable characters who basically exist for doctors to “hook up with” in the linen closet. There have been a few exceptions over the years, but I’ve finally found a character that I can truly sink my teeth into! It was actually one of my readers who suggested the series to me, and I’m so grateful that she did.

Claire Randall in the Outlander Series is just that character. She is a combat nurse from WW II that is transported back in time to the Scottish Highlands. She loses her entire life and has to start from scratch. However, Claire has the heart of a healer as most of the nurses that I’ve known also have. Regardless of time and place, lack of supplies and medication or ever proper sanitation, Claire maintains her passion for helping others remain whole and healthy. The portrayal of this passion is so raw and realistic it makes me feel as if I’ve been called to her side to consult with her. The dedication she possesses (tasting urine when she suspects diabetes) goes above and beyond what most people would expect someone in her position to be willing to do. But she consistently does what her heart and desire leads her to do…giving 100% of herself for the chance to make a difference in another human being’s life.

I’ll admit to being a bit jealous that this character wasn’t written by me, but by someone who isn’t in the health care profession at all. According to her bio, Diana Gabaldon holds three degrees in Science, including a Ph.D. in Ecology. She is incredibly highly educated and her background gives her immense knowledge regarding the medicinal uses of various herbs and plants found in the Scottish Highlands. What amazes me is how well she is able to capture the feelings experienced by Claire when she is treating a patient. The euphoria of seeing a patient recover when you’d almost given up hope yourself is portrayed beautifully in these books. Also the heartache of losing a patient for reasons beyond anyone’s control is movingly described. Ms. Gabaldon brilliantly captures the gut wrenching despair Claire experiences when she knows exactly what to do to help, but the cure doesn’t yet exist in the time in which Claire finds herself. The time travel element to the novels throws in this unique twist that completely captivates me. How frustrating it must be to have the knowledge of what is needed without the ability to acquire the necessary resources!

As nurses, we carry work home with us every day. Those we could help, and those we tried desperately to help but couldn’t…despite our best efforts. When I worked in the Pediatric ICU at a Children’s Hospital in Atlanta, there were times that I had to sit in my car and have a good cry before I trusted myself to drive home. I am so grateful for the author who has created Claire and made her so real to me– a woman, healer, mother, and wife with all of her perfect imperfections.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Maybe I’m wrong and I’ve missed out on other great books with similar characters. If so, please enlighten me! 🙂 But for now, I’ll get back to reading the Outlander books and enjoying the bond I feel with Claire.Clairephoto credit: Starz Outlander Series

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