Blog - Page 8 of 9 - Melissa Johnston Miles

November Writing Madness!

On October 31, 2015

It’s entirely possible that I have bitten off more than I can chew this November, but I’m going to give it my best effort! As many people familiar with the writing world know, November is the time that many writers attempt to create a 50K word novel during the 30 days of the month. I’m attempting to write my first novel for Middle Grade readers during the next 30 days. In addition, I have decided to participate in the Picture Book version of National November Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) as well.

As a former elementary school teacher, I have wanted to write children’s books for a very long time. So, wish me luck! 🙂 In the next 30 days I will be working on a new novel, coming up with 30 ideas for picture books, promoting my newly released novel Go Forward with Courage, and working 3 days a week outside the home. Whew! Should be fun!

What it Means to be a Nurse

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On September 19, 2015

In Uncategorized

I’ve stayed pretty quiet this week about the controversy swirling around remarks made on the ABC program, “The View” regarding nurses. But it did make me think–reflect back over the 25 years that I’ve been a registered nurse, and what moments stand out in my mind. I thought I would share one of those moments here.

I vividly remember a night in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit when my three-year old patient lost his ferocious battle with a very aggressive cancer. I remember how small his tiny body looked in the bed, and I asked his mother if she would like to hold him in the chair. She shook her head and asked me if she could climb into the bed with him and just hold him like she had done when he was scared. “But this time,” she said in a trembling voice, “it’s me that is scared.”

I pulled the sliding glass door closed as I left her alone with her precious little boy, and made a valiant effort to keep my composure as I finished charting all of the minutia of details regarding the “code” that had preceded his death–the frantic failed effort to save him. When I heard my patient’s mother climb out of the bed, I reentered the room to begin the process of readying his tiny little body for transport down to the hospital morgue. Standing on the opposite side of the bed, his mother asked, “What happens now?”

I described to her as gently as possible, the post-mortem routine that we followed–beginning with bathing him. “I’d like to help you bathe him if I can,” his mother replied stoically. “If this is going to be his last bath, I’d like to help give it.” So, we stood together silently washing his bruised little body. I was able to fight back my own tears until I heard the quiet voice from across the bed ask, “What am I going to do when I get back to the house and his things are everywhere? The first thing I will see when I pull into the driveway is his swings-set.”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly as the dam holding back my tears was breached. I felt as if I were failing her. She needed me to be strong, and there I was crying silently as I worked through the blur of tears. “I’m sorry,” I told her.

She shook her head vehemently, her own tears flowing then. “Please don’t ever apologize for caring about him. I’m grateful…so grateful that he was surrounded by nurses who cared about us at the end.”

When I got to my car in the parking deck the next morning, I sat and cried for at least twenty minutes before I felt like I should attempt the drive home. To my own family. I didn’t want to bring my sadness home with me, and have my own toddler pick up on it. The preceding twelve hours had been a roller coaster of highs and lows, of hope and heartache, of adrenaline and then pure fatigue–both physically and emotionally. I wish I could tell you that this was the only shift this demanding. But in truth, being a nurse means that you put yourself out there 100% for your patients and their families every shift. Often times, you are the person that takes the brunt of everyone’s frustration and even if you act like it rolls off of your back, it doesn’t. It hurts. But you keep going.

Most people have no idea what it takes to be a nurse. The programs are selective, the course work is difficult, and the challenges of the job itself can be unbelievably taxing. But ultimately, people chose to be nurses because they want a profession that makes a difference in people’s lives. It isn’t high paying, glamorous, or envied by others–but it is what we are called to do, and most of us wouldn’t want to do anything else.

Not Funny at the Time! :)

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On September 9, 2015

In Uncategorized

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Retrospectively Funny.”

So, I decided to try a writing prompt just for fun. Today’s prompt was to describe something that wasn’t funny at the time, but now looking back on it, you can see the humor. Am I the only one who feels like this could be half my life?? This prompt hardly narrows down things to write about for me. 🙂 But, I picked one event that occurred during my pregnancy with my second child. Here goes…

I worked as a Pediatric ICU nurse at Egleston Children’s Hospital in Atlanta. Every year, the hospital had an evening for employees at the Atlanta zoo after normal hours. So had this happened on a regular trip to the zoo, it wouldn’t have been quite as embarrassing, but of course it happened when the zoo playground was full of my coworkers. My daughter was three and she wanted to play on the large wooden ‘ark’ on the playground and scurried to the very top. My husband and I were sitting on a bench adjacent to the structure visiting with some people from the hospital when we heard screaming.

At least twenty kids came running out of the ark, some of them holding their arms over their heads. We heard one kid shout, “Somebody peed!! And it’s coming down!” Looking up at the top of the ark, we see our daughter standing by the wheel with that “oopsie” look on her little cherubic face. I gestured to my enormous pregnant belly and asked my husband to retrieve our daughter from the top level, as she was just frozen in place. He asked for a bag to put over his head, but when I had none to offer, he gamely brought our little one down for a change of clothes. Needless to say, it wasn’t funny at the time!

The zoo is completely different these days, and I don’t think the old ark structure still even stands in the children’s play area. But somewhere in the world, there are young men and women who may remember an evening 19 years ago when the pee came down from the top of the ark, forcing them to scurry to safety!

Caring for Children who have Holes in Them

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On June 23, 2015

In parenting

My teenager has Asperger’s. I’ve shared that before on this blog. But his disability isn’t visible to anyone from the outside. As a pediatric nurse, my patients can’t say the same thing. Their little bodies are riddled with holes: G-Tubes, Colostomies, Trachs, Central Lines, IVs, and more, cause their bodies to contain holes. I wanted to explore a mother’s perspective in caring for a child who is full of holes. What pain would it cause her? What strain would it lead to in her marriage? How would her friends and family react? Would they be helpful or hurtful?

I published this short story today. The price is set for free because my motivation in writing the story isn’t to earn money, but to hopefully be of some benefit to people who are going through similar challenges or for people who would like to know how to help moms who are. The story is called Full of Holes. Just click on the title to take you to the Smashwords site where it can be downloaded for several different devices. If you read it, please let me know what you think. Thanks!

Building Strong Children

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On May 30, 2015

In parenting

Frederick Douglass once said, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” As a parent, that is both empowering and terrifying. We live in a culture that seems to encourage “passing the buck”. In fact, I just watched the president of FIFA, the governing body over World Cup Soccer, stand before cameras back peddling to distance himself from any personal responsibility in the recent scandals plaguing his organization. It would be amazing to see a leader stand up and say, “As the president of this organization I accept full responsibility for what has happened, and will devote my efforts towards discovering where lapses in oversight occurred. I vow to fix what is wrong within my organization.” This man was about 80 years old, and yet he still seems incapable of accepting consequences.

Now, I don’t mean to single out one specific person, but this was the most recent incident and is fresh on my mind. This mindset is so rampant in society that it isn’t hard to find examples. As a mother of two young adults, I have made mistakes and I’ve done some things right. But I have learned some things along the way that I thought I would share. Why? Because I think Mr. Douglass is correct. I think that we need to put the work in on the front end, instead of frantically working to undo the damage on the back end. I also agree that it takes a village to raise kids. So, here are my thoughts:

1. Don’t protect them from their bad choices. Sometimes good kids make bad choices. And sometimes those bad choices come with consequences that they need to face. Did I naturally grasp this concept? Absolutely not! I owe this bit of wisdom to my daughter’s third grade teacher, Ms. Bishop. When Rachel forgot to bring home her homework, I took her back to school to get it–or her friend who lived a few houses up would get her mom to make a copy of it for Rachel to complete and take to school the next day. Why? Because if she came to school without her homework, she had to do it during recess. Her teacher finally told me, “Mrs. Miles, you are a wonderful mother and you have the best of intentions. But (and here comes the best part!) you need to cut the apron strings and let your child stand on her own two feet.” I’ll admit that it stung a bit to hear it, but she was so right! By swooping in and saving Rachel from consequences of forgetting, I was enabling her and she was learning NOTHING. So, I stood back and let her face her recess loss a couple of times. She not only survived (shocking, I know) but it only took once or twice for her to remember to bring her homework. Not only that, she had to come up with a system to organize herself and began diligently keeping a planner. To this day, she lives by her planner and she graduated earlier this month Summa Cum Laude from college. I think the lesson Ms. Bishop empowered me to teach her made all the difference in creating a strong academic student, who could organize her time and keep track of assignments. After all, at some point Mommy can’t rush you back to school!

2. Let them fail at something. Fail? I can hear a collective gasp of horror from many of my parent friends already. But your child will survive a failure and learn a great deal from it in the process. How do I know? Because I’ve failed at things and more than likely you have to. It is okay, and it generally makes us stronger in the long run. I’ve seen both of my kids work their butts off to audition for something, only to get passed over. Sometimes teachers, bosses, and coaches pick favorites, and it isn’t fair. Or maybe sometimes someone is just better than you at something. But the world isn’t fair, and sometimes learning that lesson is a good thing. If we can help frame “failures” as learning opportunities, we are doing a great service to our kids. Try to avoid being one of those parents who races to the school if your child doesn’t get the grade you think he or she earned. Instead, help your child see ways that they could have studied harder or more effectively. Did your child pass up a chance to do extra credit? Did he skip a class and miss a pop quiz or a study guide? Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

3. Help them develop problem solving skills. Every time your child is faced with a problem, it presents him or her with a chance to figure out a way to solve it. Every time we tell them what to do to fix it, we deprive them of the opportunity to develop strong problem solving skills. I’ve worked with adults who literally freeze in a panic when a problem suddenly appears unexpectedly. Obviously we all love it when things go like they should without any glitches–but let’s be real. How often does life go as planned? If we send our kids out into life without developing strategies to come up with a Plan B, without it totally undoing them, we are sending them out unprepared. Eventually they will learn, but the stakes are higher and the lessens tougher when they are young adults than if they’d learned these skills as children.

4. Be a good example. Okay, ouch! This is a tough one for me. But it is something I’ve tried to become more cognizant of as time goes on. Our kids don’t listen to our lectures nearly as much as they watch us react to situations. That is where the real learning is taking place. If we freak out when we get lost leaving a city, or when the car gets a flat tire, we are teaching them more than we might realize. And it’s probably not the lesson we want them to learn.

5. Encourage positive thinking. Negativity is one of the most sinister of all the traits out there, and it can sap the strength from our kids. Negative thinking leads to low self esteem, which in turn can lead to a myriad of self destructive behaviors. This is a personal struggle that I have with one of my two children, and the best solution I’ve been able to come up with is to talk him through experiences and attempt to re-frame them in a more positive way. My hope is that eventually he will learn this strategy, and put it into practice himself. In retrospect, he’d have likely not survived middle school without some help framing peer interactions and problems with a couple of teachers. If you have a child who leans towards the negative in recalling every experience, then it requires ongoing diligence and support. This is one instance where leading by example is crucial.

6. Give them responsibility. One of the best ways to become a strong person is to prove to yourself and others that you can be trusted with responsibilities. I think my parent’s generation did a better job overall of giving kids a list of chores and responsibilities around the house than mine does. There is such a valuable lesson to be learned from being responsible for a pet, or cleaning a room, mowing grass or doing the dishes. One day, every one of us has to learn how to do those things. Self discipline is crucial for success in life, and home is a relatively safe place to develop it. Parents are likely going to be a bit less harsh when a chore isn’t completed on time than a future boss.

Essentially, we want our kids to be prepared for the challenges of the world so that they can tackle problems, and bounce back from failures without completely falling apart. We want them to learn to cope with whatever life throws at them, even when it is something major.

In addition, we want them to be able to express their emotions, and become confident about who they are as people. I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic. Did you get advice from a teacher that proved to be helpful to you as a parent? Thanks in advance for your input.

Photo credit: http://kidsfirstcommunity.com/

Why Friendships Make Great Novel Fodder

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On April 22, 2015

In Uncategorized

I love to read books about friendships–great ones that endure over decades, terrible ones that need to be severed, confused ones which might actually lead to something more, or “we started out as enemies, but now are best friends” ones. It really doesn’t matter what kind of friendship is the main focus of the book–if a friendship is the focus of a well-written story, I will probably be hooked. I think the reason many of us enjoy reading books about friends is that friendship is such a shared human experience that crosses all boundaries. Friendship is universal. We either cherish our friendships or lament the lack of friendships we have. And over the course of a lifetime we might feel both ways.

I’ve just written my first YA novel, and it was the first book I’ve written in which I heavily focused on the protagonist’s friendships. I’ve had a ball writing this book, and it has started me thinking about how much I have always enjoyed reading stories about the bonds of friendship. I thought I’d list my top five favorites, just to stir up some conversation. What are your favorites?

1) Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone.Don’t get me wrong, every book in the series has amazing dialogue and interaction between the three main characters. But in this first book, Harry has never had a real friend and the discovery of all of the wonders of friendship unfolds before our eyes in this book. Through the series, the friendships are tested but in the end remains my all time favorite book about a group of friends.

2) The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.As one of the larger girls in my circle of friends growing up, I loved this concept of one pair of jeans that fit all of the girls, even though they were clearly not all the same size and shape. I’ll admit, that is what made me read the book in the first place. But I loved reading about the coming of age experiences of each of the girls while she was in possession of the traveling pants. It’s a book that has stayed with me for a long time.

3) The Bridge to Terabithia. I’m not a huge fan of books with sad endings in general, but I loved the friendship that evolved in this story. I had some male friends growing up, and I think that friendships between boys and girls during this age are always interesting reads.There is always that potential for the friendship to blossom into something more, and wondering if it will is half the fun.

4) A Tale of Two Cities. I will be the first to admit, I didn’t like most of the books that I had to read for school. But this one was a huge exception. I was still in middle school, and missed some of the more subtle elements of the plot but the sacrifice made by one man to ensure the happiness of another (with the woman he loved no less!) was impossible to miss.

5) To Kill a Mockingbird. Don’t get me wrong, my favorite part of this book is the relationship between Atticus and his kids. But I also love the friendship with the quirky kid who visits in the summer and the friendship (of sorts) that develops between the kids and Boo.

I’d be really interested to hear which books top your list!

photo credit: http://wallpapers111.com/friendship-images/

The Value of Collaboration in any Job

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On February 5, 2015

In Uncategorized

Writing books is not the first career that I’ve had in my life. My original career was nursing. When I was in my undergraduate program at The Medical University of South Carolina in Charleston, I doubt that I would have made it to graduation without my classmates. We studied together, practiced on each other (some of those moments are still cringe-worthy!) and provided the much needed moral support and humor to accomplish our goals. In short, we collaborated with each other to the benefit of every single student in my graduating class. I doubt that any of us were aware that we were engaged in the process of “collaboration”, but rather we did what came naturally to us as friends and classmates.

When I entered the profession as a new graduate in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I was exposed to some great examples of collaboration. Unfortunately there were also the “sharks” out there who had no interest in helping others succeed. Now, you would think that nurses would be a nurturing group to work with, but unfortunately there is sometimes a tendency among seasoned veteran nurses to “eat their young”. I have not worked in a hospital setting now for years so I truly hope that it is better now, but in the 1990’s it could often be a cruel world for a young idealistic nurse. The bottom line regarding collaboration in a health care setting is that not only does the healthcare team benefit from it, so does the patient. Nurse managers and hospital administrators should make it a priority to foster this atmosphere in all units.

Fast forward to my “second career” as a teacher. I completed a Masters Degree in Elementary Education and taught school for five years. During those years I was fortunate enough to have some amazing people to work with and share in collaboration daily. But even in a school setting there will be those teachers who want to keep to themselves and “work alone”. To me, if something works well with my class I want to shout it from the rooftops and share with everyone. Just as in the hospital setting, when teachers collaborate with each other it benefits the students which in turn benefits the entire community. I never did understand the teachers who had no interest in collaborating, but they were truly a detriment to the school.

My new career as an author is completely uncharted territory for me! It has been exciting and rewarding, but at the same time absolutely terrifying! There is so much to learn, especially as an Indie author in the huge world of publishing. It has come flooding back to me in this venture exactly how valuable collaboration can be. There is one particular Facebook group Clean Indie Reads that has the most supportive authors I’ve found. Any member can post a question about any aspect of writing, publishing, or marketing and receive numerous helpful responses. Members of the group are generous with their time and are willing to share what has worked (or totally flopped!) for them in an effort to assist new authors achieve their own success. In an ideal world everyone would be collaborative with colleagues, and workplaces (physical or virtual) would be veritable Petri dishes of creativity.

As an author I have discovered that even readers can be collaborators in the process of creating the best story possible. Each new set of eyes on my books offers a new perspective on the story that I might not have previously recognized while writing. Reviewers that post their opinions on my novels are essentially collaborating with me in my quest to write books that connect with people. As long as reviews are constructive, they don’t need to be positive in nature.

So whatever job you find yourself doing right now, there is certainly an opportunity out there to collaborate with the people around you. Maybe you can be the person who starts a new trend at your job to inspire, support, encourage and assist each other in becoming the best team in the business! Please go for it!

photo credit: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/files/2013/05/stop.jpg

A Tale of Two Boys: How to Foster Kindness in Kids

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On January 20, 2015

In Uncategorized

Nothing makes a mom more aware of the kindness, or lack of kindness, shown by children than having a special needs child. During a sermon on Sunday, our pastor spoke of “hashtags” or labels as being things others have applied to us in our past. These could be things like #ugly, #stupid, #lazy, etc. What kind of people apply these hashtags to others? And how much power do we give them in our own lives? How can we encourage our own children to be supportive of others and use language such as #friend, #kindness, #encouragement?

I started thinking about my son who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 4. He is now 18, so we have seen many examples of both good hashtags that have helped to motivate him, but unfortunately negative ones that he has carried around with him like a big battered suitcase. This labeling, both good and bad has come from other children, adults such as teachers and pastors, neighbors and even family members. But what struck me while listening to the sermon on Sunday was this: Why do some kids seek out opportunities to give a kid who feels awkward and out of place a boost up and others feel the need to give the kid a swift kick?

It isn’t just taking your child to church or enrolling them in Boy Scouts that is going to make the difference. How do I know this? Because I have experienced it first hand. The two boys I will mention in the blog were both raised in Christian homes, were active in church, and involved in Scouting. They both came from middle to upper middle class families with educated parents. The parents of each boy were active in their communities and seemed to have positive, loving relationships with other family members. But that is where the similarity stops.

Boy #1 was there for my son at a critical point in his life. We had just moved the family to Germany and my son didn’t know anyone there. Boy #1 made a special point to introduce him to his friends, show him around the school, invite him to Scouts and enthusiastically greeted him at the first meeting. Through the kindness of this boy, my son felt welcomed and affirmed. He made friends and adjusted to the new school better than we had dared to dream. The boy continued to be a close friend, always including him in parties and outings until the family moved away.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years later. My son was just starting middle school (ugh!) and we had just moved back to the small town in Georgia that we had lived pre-Germany. Boy #2 seemed at first like a great prospect to help ease the transition here. But rather than show kindness and compassion, he fluctuated between indifference and discouragement. If my son wanted to try out for a school team, Boy #2 had to point out that he didn’t stand a chance at making it. If my son made a statement at a scout meeting, Boy #2 felt the need to put him down for it. The arrogant way in which he disregarded my son was almost more cruel than if he’d called him names.

This young man had an opportunity placed in front of him to make a true difference in the life of another human being, but instead chose to be a detriment to my son’s attempts to make friends and fit in. What, if anything could his parents have done to encourage him to treat my son with kindness and apply a hastag like #Youcandoit!? With all of the blessings Boy #2 had in his life and the talent and popularity he possessed already, why did he feel the need to apply #loser, #friendless, and #notworthmytime?

I think as parents we need to enter into discussions with our kids about kindness. Yes, we need to model it in our own interactions with people but we cannot assume that our children will just absorb that by osmosis. When we visit our child’s classroom we can spot the awkward kid who needs friends from a mile away. Ask your child about him or her and if they ever play with them at recess or sit with them at lunch. Make a point yourself of interacting with that child when you are there. As a former teacher, it is amazing how much it matters when a child has a visitor take an interest in him.

Describe ways that your child could be a friend and what a difference that could make in the life of that person. Some of these kids can be hard to love and act in ways that don’t suggest they want friends. If you observe these behaviors, you as the adult can help your child understand the reasons that could be causing them.

Every single day I crave more kindness in the world. It just seems to be in short supply these days. Let’s help our kids learn kindness at an early age. They will be the better for it in the long run if they can live in a more positive world. Boy #1 is still someone that I cherish. He is now a student at Virginia Tech and I will never forget the positive contribution he made to my son by being his friend and giving him a place in the social strata of school life.

If you have suggestions that have helped your children demonstrate kindness to others, I would love to hear from you.

The Art of Reflection

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On January 7, 2015

In Uncategorized

Reflection is an art that I wish I had learned in childhood. When you take time to reflect over a situation and think of ways that you handled it well or ways that you could have responded better, it is empowering. Instead of feeling as if “things just happened to you”, it makes you cognizant of how important your own choices are in the outcome of any given situation. So much “victim mentality” that tends to creep into the human psyche could be eliminated if we practiced reflection.

I had never thought consciously about reflection until I was in my Masters program in Education. For each lesson that we taught we had to submit a brief paper reflecting on what went well and what could have gone better. It forced me to be aware of what actions on my part had generated excitement in the students and encouraged learning to take place. And also what caused the students to be bored, restless or unable to meet the goals of the lesson. I took this with me into the classroom and found it to be very useful!

I don’t think the world at large encourages us to reflect on the events of our lives. When I taught school, I had something in my behavior management arsenal called a “think sheet”. Students were asked to complete the sheet and bring it back to me the next day with a parent signature. The sheet asked questions like, “What class rule did I break?” and “What could I have done differently to have avoided getting into trouble?”. Some of the kids really thought about it and were able to identify better choices that could have been made. Hopefully it helped them to avoid repeating the same mistakes later. But I had some parents who would insist that their child was the victim in a situation rather than a participant. We have to do better as a society of helping our kids learn to own their bad choices and accept the consequences of them. Even as adults, we could improve our outlook on life if we accepted more responsibility for the situations we find ourselves in.

I try to incorporate the reflective practice into my writing as well as my life in general. When I revise each chapter, I think about how it could be more descriptive or more vital to the plot. There are always ways to improve, and I am constantly striving to find those ways as I write. As a pediatric nurse there are times when I have to take the brunt of a parent’s frustration with the continual struggles of raising a child with chronic medical problems. Reflecting back on encounters that didn’t go well helps me to be more sensitive to their needs and also more proactive so that I can avoid such issues in the future.

What ways do you incorporate the art of reflection into your career or family relationships? I’d love to hear from you.

photo credit:http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Tso_Kiagar_Lake_Ladakh.jpg#mediaviewer/File:Tso_Kiagar_Lake_Ladakh.jpg

What I’ve learned in the Asperger’s Trenches

By Melissa Johnston Miles

On December 3, 2014

In autism, disability, discrimination, diversity, parenting

This is a bit off topic for my blog, but as an author it is impossible to separate my own life experiences from future book projects. When I read books such as Jodi Picoult’s House Rules, I want to say, “You’ve gotten so much of it right, but it isn’t exactly right.” No one can possibly imagine what it is like for a mother to watch her child struggle through life feeling acutely “different” from everyone else. So perhaps one day I will write a novel featuring a character with Asperger’s Syndrome, or maybe it will always just hit too close to home for me to do it. But I thought I would blog about it and see where it goes.

A few years ago, I would never have attempted to give anyone else advice on how to raise a child with Asperger’s. Even now, I would never claim to have all the answers. More importantly, every child is unique; what worked well for my child might not for another child. However, I’ve been at this long enough now to have gleaned some knowledge that could help other parents out there.

I have an 18 year old son who was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age 4. The early diagnosis in itself has been a great blessing to us because he began receiving services at a very young age. He overcomes challenges every day, and I feel so honored to be his mom. He is currently a freshman at Georgia Tech in Atlanta and is attempting to navigate life in a crowded dorm in the middle of a large city. Here are some key points that I have found helpful to me over the years:

1) Educate yourself. There is a wealth of information out there. The first book I purchased was Tony Attwood’s original book Asperger’s Syndrome. I literally read this book knowing nothing about this disorder and finished the book feeling empowered to dig in and walk this road with my child.

2) Find a middle ground. You need to be an advocate for your child and no one can do that better than you. However, I have found that many Asperger parents gravitate to the ‘extremes’. There are the militant ones who are going to fight with their child’s school over everything. Yes, I agree we have to fight the important battles (and believe me, I have!) but if a parent is fighting EVERY battle to the death, eventually the school begins to tune you out. The other extreme will pull their child out of school and other activities because these things are too stressful. I don’t think schools, sports and clubs are the enemy. School (if it is a good one) provides an Asperger’s child with structure, socialization, peer modeling, educators with experience in teaching special needs children, and exposure to other people than just his or her nuclear family. Parents need to work with the schools in a partnership. So advocate for your child, but try to form an ally of the schools which have invaluable resources that can help your child reach his or her potential.

3) Utilize your support network. If you don’t have one, work on developing one. Parents, siblings, friends, support groups, teachers, pediatricians, etc. The list is long. There are people out there who care about you and your child. If you have a spouse, work together to find solutions that you can live with. There was a lady at our church who took my son out for a treat when he earned a week’s worth of “green lights” in Kindergarten. It made a big difference in helping him learn the routines of the classroom when he had such a tangible reward.

4) Ask questions. Write down questions as you think of them before you go to the doctor, counselor, or school meeting. I do much better in those situations if I don’t have to try and remember all of the questions that I had at home. For school meetings, take your spouse or other support person with you. If you have a friend or family member who is an educator and understands the process, invite them.

5) Observe your child. My son doesn’t articulate what he needs and wants particulary well. But I can tell what calms him by watching his reactions to situations. For my son it is music, but you have to learn what works best for your own situation. As a small child, he liked to be covered up. We made a fort over his bed. Enclosed spaces can sometimes feel safer, but you only learn these things by observing your child.

6) Educate your family members. I finally sat down certain members of my family and laid it out. I basically explained why he acts the ways that he does and I let them know that I would not apologize for it again. Once people understand the reason for behaviors that are typically considered “rude”, they tend to accept them more readily. I wasn’t going to feel stressed out every time we visited family. It made a big difference for me. Life is just too short to go around feeling like you have to constantly apologize for your child. People who don’t get it need to just stop being around your child.

7) Talk to your child about Aspergers. The time to do this will vary for each individual family. During elementary school, I didn’t ever use the term Aspergers or Autism. He just knew he was pulled for different activities than other kids. By late elementary, I felt like he needed to understand what he was experiencing and had the discussion with him. Now, we talk about it and he explains to his peers what things are like for him.

8) Don’t worry about things out in the future. I had to learn to take each day at a time. I would get overwhelmed and feel total despair when I started thinking about high school, college, dating, etc. So, I made a conscious decision to just look at this month, this year. By the time high school came, it wasn’t nearly as scary as it had seemed when he was 6 years old.

9) Set the bar high. I have learned that my son can follow rules and patterns. He can understand goals. I believe that the world out there isn’t going to make too many allowances, so even though he had an IEP at school, he knew that we expected him to try his best. By the end of high school he didn’t use the majority of his accommodations anymore. He learned how to function without the extra help for the most part. He also knew that if he genuinely needed the help, he should ask for it.

10) Don’t forget the other children in the family. It is hard for children to see a sibling getting extra attention or different rules. Involve the other children in the discussions and make sure they understand the reasons.

11) Just love him. That really needs no further explanation.

If you are a parent living day to day supporting a child with Asperger’s, I would love to hear from you. If you know someone who is, please share this link with them. It helps to know that other people are in the trenches with you!

Update: My son is now 20 and a junior at GA Tech. The first year almost killed us both–but we made it through and it has gotten easier for him. Certainly not easy, but at least he’s made a few friends and is familiar with the campus. Some days it feels like we are taking on step forward and two back. But, we keep moving toward graduation day and hopes for the future.

***As of today, he is set to graduate from Georgia Tech on May 5, 2018. Once we cross this hurdle, the hunt for a full-time job will be our next one. Like I said above, I still take it one step at a time. Looking too far into the future feels overwhelming and just causes anxiety. Hopefully I can come back to update with good news about job prospects soon. Thanks for following!

Photo credit: http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/worldwars/wwone/launch_vt_frontline.shtml